


Memories: A Retrospective

by Chikabow



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Diary/Journal, M/M, Writer Eunsang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:35:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28192557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chikabow/pseuds/Chikabow
Summary: On the occasion of their 10th anniversary, Eunsang decides to reflect on their relationship.
Relationships: Kim Wooseok | Wooshin/Lee Eunsang
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Memories: A Retrospective

**Author's Note:**

> The age difference between them in this is 3 years.

Our stories have been intertwined since birth. At least, that’s how we choose to look at it. In this project I will try to make sense of that connection. In my own point of view, of course. It won’t be an autobiography nor will it be a complete retelling of our relationship. I just thought I should commemorate our ten years together as I usually like to do with special dates: looking back on the past and embracing the future.

With the first sentence, I do not mean to imply that some cosmic force bound our souls or anything of the sort. It is much more literal than that. We have shared social circles since birth. Our parents were friends and we went to the same schools. Although the latter did not have much influence. The difference in our age led us to not see each other most of the time in school. But outside, we still had contact. Saying that we had contact would be underselling it. In our early years we were inseparable. But as one would expect, with time we drifted apart slightly. 

Wooseok’s teenage years were the first cause for that. His personality started to change, to define itself into who he would later become. And playing with a kid isn’t something teens love to do. Even so, we continued to be close. His affection for me did not go anywhere. Shortly after, I myself started to go through puberty. Clearly, this brought a whole world of changes into my world. The biggest of which was my perception of Wooseok. Suddenly I felt much stronger for him. There was a force pulling me towards him. I felt the need to hug him, hold his hand. Although he was a bit taken aback at first, I excused my behaviours (at the time confusing even for me,) as old habits. It started to become clearer in my head that Wooseok was my safe place.

The teenage years also brought about a more physical change. And how Wooseok’s beauty enthralled me. The Wooseok who was just Wooseok had changed. He wasn’t just the childhood friend. The physical contact also felt changed. My body and heart had different reactions to the touch. What once was just normal physical contact, it felt much more intimate.

In time I made sense of what I was experiencing. I liked Wooseok very much. Wooseok made me feel safe. I was attracted to him - his heart and his physical appearance. Although not wanting to accept such a radical change in my perception of him at first, I did concede to my heart quickly. I must admit I think myself weak in the matters of the heart. But I am grateful for such weakness. I think I saved myself a lot of emotional strife. 

Then, it was just a matter of knowing how Wooseok saw me. Saying “just” is most probably understating it. I spent around three years feeling like this in secret. I simply could not fathom the possibility of Wooseok, who saw me as something like a younger cousin, would have feelings for me.

At some point we got closer again. Wooseok’s teenage years were coming to an end and his priorities became others. One of his priorities was me. He later told me he did not have that kind of feelings for me yet then. Even though Wooseok never left completely and helped me throughout my entire life, his distancing at that time had been noticed. So I was very glad to have Wooseok back as he used to be.

He says that it happened naturally. The way he cared for me changed from “younger sibling” to something more equal. We were finally both in the same stage of life, our twenties. I myself felt much more equal to him. I was able to be there for Wooseok in ways that I could not before. I knew what he was going through as I was going through the same things myself.

The romantic stage is not a natural progression of a friendship in my opinion. So I would not say it was only natural for us to fall for each other. Even I did not keep constant feelings towards Wooseok. If I had loved him as intensely as I loved him during my teenage years for this entire period, I am pretty sure I would not have made it to this point. But, in our case, it did progress into a romantic stage. It felt natural. Wooseok became so openly emotional with me. At first it felt  _ off _ . Wooseok was someone more restricted but with me he just opened up. He touched me much more. It began to feel right. 

He had the courage I never had. He took a brave step and at the risk of unbalancing our worlds, he kissed me. Naturally. Meaningfully. As if it was the only path forward.

  
  


Some call me over-sentimental. Others call us both over-sentimental. Surely there is some truth to that. One can choose to blame it on our upbringing, our households. If one were to analyze our emotional connection, they could choose to pin the blame on our unabashed openness and how willing we are to share our emotions with each other. They could say that it created a vicious circle of emotion. If you believe in the stars, you could even say our birth charts conditioned us to this fate. While far from an expert, the few interactions with astral matters have told me that the emotional side is of great importance to our relationship. Of course that searching for answers in the stars is unproductive at best. Especially because such issues do not require answers. I revel in our emotional intimacy. No one has ever made me feel this expressive. 

Although others might perceive me as somewhat reserved or even dull, I am quite content with myself. I show Wooseok all of me. He knows of how deep my soul is. Maybe the amount of self-reflective work in the office where I write this piece is testament to that. After Wooseok, the paper is the refuge I seek the most. It is complete freedom, only limited by my own vocabulary. 

Wooseok often asks me if I ever intend on publishing these reflections. He’s been pushing me to try and get my poetry published but I still haven’t made up my mind on the matter. Although reflective and deeply personal, a hidden verse is a wasted verse. Maybe later on in life I’d have less to lose by making my work public. I do take myself in enough consideration, but even so, I do not think myself perfect or all I write to be of quality. Would it touch anyone’s heart? Is that for me to wonder about?

Back to the personal prose, I have even more conflicted feelings on them. Although we, the readers, enjoy the intimate verses and correspondence of the authors, the invasion of privacy scares me. Words about Wooseok are the ones I’m most apprehensive about. It is not my place to bare him so for any to read. Would it make a difference after our deaths? Is our romance only ours? Will it fade with us? Or will it live in someone else’s heart?

This can all be read as if I consider myself to be a great author and, yes - I will not deny that the idea of my work being considered worthy of praise pleases me, - but I do know that’s no more than a passing daydream for now.

Wooseok respects my indecisiveness on this. He does not know what is written in most of these notebooks. He only reads what I give him to read. But he has read every poem I’ve written so far. From school assignments, lovestruck teenage rambles to what my heart feels now, he has always been the first reader. And so, I consider them special. 

Pardon this interruption but a sudden burst of adoration for him took over me right now. My Wooseok is so dear to me. I love him with all of my heart. He is the most tender and caring. He is the most beautiful when he smiles. His smile is so pure… It is a smile he shows me every day. My heart feels as if it will explode at this very moment... This paragraph is chaos and it must be edited out. Forgive me but I will resume this project at a later date. The present calls and I must tell Wooseok of how much I love him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
